Hiatus

For the 3-4 people that read this I have bad news for you.  This project will be going into hiatus for a while.  How long? Honestly, I don’t know.

I apologize for this.  While I won’t commit honorable suicide I will finish this project eventually.

#15: Guinness: Extra Stout

 

Guinness: Extra Stout

Ireland

 

Holy Moley that’s a dark Conolly.  Man, I haven’t been slapped by a beer in the face for a long time.  Seems like this beer is made from 100% hops.  As much as I love Guinness I just couldn’t get into this.  Especially since I professed my love for a fruity beer not too long ago.  Clearly you see where my beer balls lie.

 

This beer is pitch black and it tastes just like it’s color.  Almost like this beer was brewed from the darkness of a  vindictive man’s heart.  If you took rejection and turned into beer this would be it.  Upon first sip all you taste is bitterness, as if you pissed off this beer by opening it.  This is probably the type of strong stuff the men in Ireland drink and call it weak.  I am not even man enough to stomach half a bottle of this darkness.  I always had a dream of going to Ireland and having a beer in a real McCoy pub in some cozy town…you know, the sort of stuff hardened Irish guys drink…seems like a bad idea to do that now.  Bad enough I’d be a tourist there, but to be a tourist and uncontrollably piss your pants after one swig of their finest beer, that is the stuff tourist ass-kickings are made of.

 

So clearly I am not up to snuff for this beer.  I wanted to enjoy it, I really did, seeing as how other stuff from Guinness brewers impressed me.  I don’t see my opinion changing on this beer anytime soon either.  Maybe in a environment with other friends, maybe then I would put on my big-boy pants and show some hair.  At home, nope.

 

Let’s go to our guest.  This is the last of our guests joining us, for now.

 

S: I really like it.  Nice grown up beer.  Definitely try again.  Stop being such a pussy and drink the rest of your beer.

 

Pair it with:  Testicles,  Sweets, experience with beers.

 

Score: 5 out of 10 sexy

#14: Steel Reserve

 

Steel Reserve

Miller brands

 

American

 

This is the strongest beer on the list and strongest I’ve tried so far.  Coming in at a 8.1% alcohol content, this one is significantly higher than the others which top out at about 5.1%.  This takes on Molson when it comes to alcohol content.  But, unlike Molson, this beer’s taste if far more refined IMO. Whereas Molson slaps your tongue with each sip, Steel reserve is surprisingly smooth for such a strong beer.  Even after it has warmed up to room temperature it remained relatively smooth.  The beer itself has hints of very mild citrus notes and fairly smooth for a strong beer.  This also works fast at getting you toasty fast, ergo it’s a great starter beer.  I don’t know if I’d drink this later on in night, after much drinking, as it is a heavy beer, both, calorie and alcohol wise.  I definitely would try this again.  All the panelists including me found this to be better than Molson.

 

I also like the name of this beer; Steel reserve.  It’s just a cool name for a strong beer.  Selling a product is as much about imagery as it is the actual content.  Steel reserve is a powerful name, evocative of a seasoned, grisly, guy with a distinguishing beard who is all man all the time…you know, the type you wanted to be until you ended up at a desk job where the only manly thing you do is fix the paper jam in the copier for a dimwitted co-worker.  Steel is always cool.  It’s a tenacious metal, unlike you, who folds like a lawn chair at the smallest sight of adversity.  Even the can is cool looking.  I am amazed this beer isn’t endorsed by Chuck Norris

 

Lets go to our hard as nail guests *proceeds to eat a live bald eagle and hunt wild game…barehanded*

 

P: Smooth going in, doesn’t leave a bad aftertaste. Definitely a, manly, hangout beer, would try again… *proceeds to club a baby seal and wrestle a tiger*

 

S: I like it, very strong.  Need to be a regular to drink this beer.  Very good, would try again…*proceeds to rip an Alligator apart with bare hands to make a limited edition, vintage, bespoke, cashmere lined, gusset handbag and a belt.

 

Pair it with: Fried foods, steak, violence, Slayer CDs

 

Score: 7 out of 10 sexy

#13: Sam Adams Cherry Wheat Lager

 

Sam Adams: Cherry wheat lager

 

American

 

You know what, call me a Lily pad or a nancy boy but I really liked this beer.  Now you may ask; Why would enjoying this beer get you labeled as a pansy? Because, this thing is like the fruit punch of beers…and it’s damn good.  When you pop the cap you can instantly smell the many fruity notes, including Cherry of course.  This is just a fun beer to drink.  It’s sweet, smooth, not very strong, and all around refreshing. 

 

I am disappointed that I didn’t discover this beer early on in summer as this is a perfect summer beer…hell it smells like sunshine and warm weather (not sweaty and disgusting but happy and filled with possibilities).  I would definitely try this again and would even considering buying this in a case, that’s not what I can say about a lot of the beers I’ve tried already. 

 

Sam Adams is a respected beer company and I’ve haven’t tried a beer of theirs that I’ve disliked, but this was a nice surprise.  Definitely a great starter beer, especially for chicks.  Rest assured to say that this beer will be on tongue soon.  It left an impressive mark on my taste buds.  I can imagine a lot of guys would be turned off by this beer because it doesn’t fulfill their macho quota.  It is sad that we live in a society where needless displays of machismo are abundant and constant validation of manhood, often, leaves a boy unable to develop as a fully grown adult, rendering a repressed man-boy who is incapable of being emotionally articulate. 

 

 That’s why I’ve never seen this beer in a bar…but even if it was I wouldn’t order it…I don’t want to be caught with no sissy beer. I ain’t no fruit bag, I’ll drink this shit at home only.  Am I paranoid?  Who knows.

 

Now let’s hear from our judges:

 

P: The smell is very relaxing.  Good party beer.  Beer you have with a date.

 

S: I like it.  Very nice taste and smell.  Beer you can have at home to relax and not get drunk on.

 

Pair it with: Sunshine, dry fruits, Salty meats, burgers, Sheryl Crowe CD.

 

Score: 8 out of 10  sexy

#12: St Paulie Girl

 

St Paulie Girl

 

Germany

 

 

Our first Lager on the list from Germany.  The country that gave us efficiency, modern architecture, Volkswagen and unrelenting horrors of Nazism.  It’s surprising to see this beer is from Germany, as there isn’t anything offensive or superlative about it.  Much like Smithwick’s it’s a very blue collar beer.  If you found me at a fancy bar, you wouldn’t find this beer in my hand (most likely the fancy bar wouldn’t have this beer to begin with).  I can best describe this beer as Corona light with mild fruity notes.  It has the slightest bit of sweetness at the end of each sip. 

 

I am not going to say I loved it but it is something I’d consider if I was offensively single.  For all its mediocre taste it does have pretty good packaging.  I can imagine, on a lonely night of binge drinking, that buxom blonde, holding three pints in each of her hands, would start to look good after a few of these.  Who knows, you may even attempt brave, disgusting, new acts of pleasure after a dozen of these and you won’t feel bad because no matter how perverse your acts may be, she’ll keep smiling just as good as your first bottle.  Can’t get that with a real woman (unless you did, then I hate you).

 

Not all was happy in the land when it comes to St Paulie girl though.  Let’s go to our guests to see how they liked it.

 

P: Pisswater (clearly running in first place for our favorite term to use), very light with no real flavor to it (P clearly forgot that this is a lager).  It’s a one time beer thing.

 

S: Pisswater (ding ding ding).  Corona tastes better and that’s not saying a lot.

 

 

Pair it with: Dark meats, sausages etc, Bavarian Techno music, nationalism.

 

Score: 6 out of 10 sexy

#11 Smithwick’s

 

Smithwick’s

 

Ireland

 

The Irish brewwww.  Smithwick’s is from the makers of my favorite beer of all time Guiness.  Knowing this fact, I was already expecting to like it…and like it I did.  Let’s get this straight, this beer won’t make you a man, it’s not a beer to brag about, nor will it get you drunk (unless you’re a super lightweight).  This beer is like your typical factory job; you don’t brag about it, you just do it…you don’t talk about this beer, you just drink it.  It’s light, smooth, nothing wows you about this beer but with every sip you can feel the working man spirit in every fizzy bubble.

 

I likened this beer to the quick grab after work or something to down while fixing a car (alcohol and battery acid go great together).  Everything from the color, the packaging, to the taste is blue collar about this brew.  Sort of like a good friend you have who isn’t emotional, fancy, sophisticated, has comment sense and manners.  So very Irish.  I personally enjoyed the beer.  It asks nothing more from you then to be you and that is great because I am too lazy to even be me sometimes.  I don’t who Smithwick is but he seems like a cool dude to not talk to or share deeply repressed emotions with.

 

Let’s go to our guests:

 

S:  Good, bland, ale.  Good for those who like piss water (continuing the pisswater theme)

 

P:  Smooth.  Would definitely try again.  Good weekend beer.

 

Pair it with: Burger, Restoring vintage muscle cars, Irish silence.

 

Score: 7 out of 10 sexy.

#10: Molson XXX

Molson XXX

Canada

This is a premium super beer. It has higher alcohol content than most beers and it tastes like it. This brew comes from Canada and I am surprised. Something this strong coming from America lite. Those Moosey liberals are showing their hairy side with this puppy.

It has a strong taste, and it starts to get bitter very fast. I wouldn’t drink this everyday nor would I go out of my way to try this sucker at a bar, however, I can see myself wanting this at a kickass party…or a boring one to get drunk faster. I am not a diehard fan but it did kindle my interest in premium beers.

After all the crap Canada has given us (Celine Dion, Avril Lavigne, Nickelback, Arcade Fire…that’s right, I said it) it owed us this. Score one for the hockey hoozers.

Now our Guests opinions:

S: I liked it. Seems like a good beer for lesbians. Good strong beer overall. The other two didn’t like it as much because they like pisswater.

P: Don’t like it. Not too inviting. Wouldn’t try Mosley again…*is corrected that it is called Molson*…oh…yeah, Molson.

Pair it with: Comical disdain for Canada.

Score: 6 out of 10 sexy.

Exciting new changes

Okay, not so exciting but the next few beer reviews will be accompanied by 2 guest drinkers.  I shall refer to them as P and S.  They will be providing valuable input and opinions (haha…valuable my ass). 

To avoid gender and age biases neither P or S’s sex and age will be mentioned (even though one is a girl and one is a guy in the age demographic of 18-35…specifically 22 and 27)

So let the unbiased reading begin.

#9 Quilmes

 

Quilmes

 

Argentina

 

I can’t even bring myself to think of words to describe this beer.  It’s not because I reached orgasmic levels of joy upon drinking it, nor because the exact opposite happened…it’s because nothing happened.  It’s a listless, unexciting beer.  Nothing special about the taste.  It isn’t offensive, smooth, likeable, natural tasting or personable in anyway.  The brew had no personality, from it’s boring packaging to its taste.  This is like that person in high school who tried to be friendly with you and they were nice, but in your heart of hearts you knew that you’ve bought paint cans with more personality than this person. 

 

Supposedly this is Argentina’s favorite beer (as the packaging states)…supposedly Argentina needs to try new beers.  I’ve thought quite a bit about what to add to this but I can’t force you guys to read something I don’t even wanna write so….yeah…zzzz.

 

Pair it with: slit wrists…you’re gonna wanna feel something when drinking this.

 

Score: 3 out of 10 sexy.

#8: Negra Modelo

 

Negra Modelo

 

Mexico

 

Mexico continues to pleasantly surprise me.  Here I thought Mexico reached it’s brewing zenith with Corona and then comes along Dos Equis to wow my virgin taste buds and now Negra Modelo.  Negra Modelo is a dark beer brewed in Mexico and it is one of the most unique beers I have drank so far. 

 

Now I was with my girlfriend and we were having one of our typical conversations at a restaurant…which usually goes something like this:

 

Girlfriend: *soft, sultry voice, brimming with sensuality* “Oh honey…you’re just so much of a man.  Your sweat, alone, has more man in it than 5 wrestlers combined”

 

Me: *deep sigh of pondering*…*dramatic pause*…*A thunderous, throaty voice*…..”YOU DAMNNN RIGHT”

 

Girlfriend: “when we get home, I’m making you a steak sandwich…NAKED”

 

Me: “YOU DAMNNN RIGHT”

 

or something like that when my beer arrived.  Upon first sip I knew this was something I can get used to.  This is the first beer I’ve drank which has an after taste of hard liquor.  I’ve never known a beer to leave a lingering feeling of a spirit after a sip…but this one did, like that of vodka.  This is a strong beer and true to its name – dark.  You can feel the color after a sip.  It has Earthy tones to it but with more synthetic tones towards the end.  I enjoyed this beer even though this wouldn’t be my everyday beer.  I can definitely see this as a weekend or a special occasion beer.  Definitely a sophisticated beer in my book (that book not being the most sought after book)

 

Even the packaging is unique.  The bottle shape is more stumpier than your usual longneck design.  It has a wider footprint on a table and it easily stands out.  I will definitely be searching out this beer again.

 

Pair it with: Steak: spicy foods, class and dignity, expensive, dark lit restaurants.

 

Score: 8 out of 10 sexy